Obstacles to Validating / Pushing for Change
Hi there!
Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.
I’m so glad you’re here.
This week, we are going to discuss some common obstacles to: Validate, Validate, Validate —> Push for Change! (YAY!)
Today, we will review some common grievances that people have when first learning about VVV —> PFC. Then, next week, we will wrap up our conversation on this topic by addressing some common challenges that people run into when trying VVV —> PFC for the first time.
Oftentimes, the reaction that I get from people when first teaching them about VVV —> PFC is one of understandable skepticism. The most common concerns that I hear are:
1) “That sounds like too much work.”
2) “There’s no way that will help.”
3) “Validating people feels too disingenuous.”
Let’s address these issues!
1) “That sounds like too much work.”
If you’re not feeling inspired to try this skill in any of your relationships, ask yourself why: what’s the threat? Your concerns are probably valid (ha!—gotcha!), because prioritizing the thoughts and needs of others does take work—and there is no denying this. (If burnout is your issue, we will talk more about that next week.) Still, one big reason why validation is so rare is because it takes effort on behalf of the listener—and lots of people are either too busy, too lazy, or simply too uninformed to ever take the time to do it.
Anytime we stop to practice VVV —> PFC, we are offering the other person a gift to the relationship. Because it is work, VVV —> PFC is a sign to ourselves and others that we are investing in our relationships. Whenever we stop to listen and empathize with someone, we are doing them a big favor, and, in this way, validating them is like depositing money into a savings account. So, if you want to strengthen your communication game and get more of what you want out of your relationships, then VVV —> PFC is a great place to start.
2) “There’s no way that will help.”
This presumption is often based in ignorance. I have discussed in previous posts the psychology behind why VVV —> PFC works. Still, even when people know the logic behind VVV —> PFC, they can still have doubts. Especially when working with men, I’ll commonly hear, “people need instruction, not just praise.” I have no qualms with this argument, although in this case, the whole purpose of VVV —> PFC is to push for change—so it’s important to reiterate that coddling is not the intention. Usually, when people state this concern, it’s because they are focusing on the validation component of VVV —> PFC, while forgetting that the larger goal is to get emotionality out of the way in order to make problem-solving more likely. (We validate people to make them receptive to change, not to encourage them to stagnate—therefore, it’s the opposite of pampering someone unconditionally.)
It’s also important to note that, man or woman, young or old—people actually need validation. It’s a basic human instinct to seek out feedback from others—so, to that end, this skill is not just about making people feel special or important. In fact, feedback from others is how we build self-awareness and identity in the world. (That is why isolation is so damning for people—it’s iatrogenic. Over time, without feedback and confirmation from others, people feel like they are drowning in their own heads.) Therefore, we validate people to help them steady themselves—not to make them soft. Validation will not keep people from seeking out opportunities to improve—rather, if anything, it will motivate them towards personal development.
3) “Validating people feels too disingenuous.”
When first starting out, people can feel uncomfortable with validating for all sorts of reasons—they feel stupid doing it, they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, they can’t find the right words in the moment, or they’re not sure what the other person needs from them. There also remains the ever-present concern of stroking someone’s ego or becoming an ass-kisser. (Our rational brain likes to assume that validation inflates the ego and that we will do more harm than good by showing someone that we care—but both of these things are untrue.)
If you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or saying the wrong thing as you work to become a better validator, simply ask for permission to suck at it for a while as you’re getting started. Anyone who understands what you are offering them will be more than willing to stick out some growing pains with you! And don’t be afraid of feedback—if you get things wrong, try again. Over time, you will learn what works.
Also, as you practice VVV —> PFC, you will discover how straightforward the practice actually is. It’s totally possible to validate someone effectively without tons of emotional fanfare. (I’m talking about one extra sentence to let someone know, “I get why you’re upset; I would be too...” and then waiting for them to realize that you’re on their side.) If you’re thinking that validating someone is going to require a big, performative spectacle every time, you can rest assured that this is not the case. We merely validate to let people know that we understand their perspective—it’s therefore possible to crank our efforts up or down, and to always stop before moving into a place of encouraging narcissistic or self-absorbed behavior.
Of course, there is no way of establishing a true, genuine sense of ease around the skill of VVV —> PFC until we’ve practiced it. A few weeks ago, I mentioned four other common challenges that people run into when using VVV —> PFC for the first time.
Next week, we will review wrap up our conversation on VVV —> PFC by addressing these four setbacks in further detail.