Validate / Push for Change (cont.)
Hi there!
Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.
I’m so glad you’re here.
This week, we are going to continue our discussion on: Validate, Validate, Validate —> Push for Change! (YAY!)
In a brief change of plan, I am actually going to pause today and share a quick anecdote with you before discussing some common issues that people run into when using VVV —> PFC.
(Since posting about VVV —> PFC, lots of people have expressed an interest in this subject, so I wanted to spend an extra week or two on it before wrapping things up!)
For context, I am a big proponent of VVV —> PFC because it improves mental health, creates stronger relationships, and increases motivation.
Unfortunately, few of us ever learn about VVV —> PFC, and this is much to the detriment of our collective well-being.
I didn’t hear about the concept of VVV —> PFC until I was in graduate school—which was long overdue—and I’ve never had a client who knew about VVV —> PFC before starting therapy.
My hope is that we can begin to further educate one another about VVV —> PFC, so that we can one day change this!
Below is the story of my first experience using VVV —> PFC.
I can still remember the moment vividly, because I was so surprised that it actually worked:
The first time that I ever tried validating someone, I was working in a men’s residential treatment facility for drug addiction. I had just finished running a skills group, and a new client came up to me and started telling me that his roommate was messy and snored too loud. This client was at least a foot taller than me, was covered head-to-toe in tattoos, and had a history of gang involvement—I thought he was very imposing. I could see him getting angry, and I had no idea how to respond.
But I had just learned about VVV —> PFC in one of my classes, so I decided to try it out.
I said, “That sounds frustrating. Having a roommate here is tough; I can see why you’re upset.”
Immediately, I saw this massive, intimidating guy—a total stranger—deflate like a pierced balloon. He just stopped talking and looked at me curiously, like, “Who are you and what just happened?”
I then offered to share with him how room reassignment works.
(Btw — If this client had started to re-escalate or continued to vent after I had pushed for change, I would have needed to resort back to validation (sometimes it’s V-V-V, not just V!) until he was calm enough for us to talk again.)
I remember realizing at this point that I had a dilemma on my hands: I had just discovered that validation works, but I didn’t really like doing it.
This meant that, moving forward, I was going to have to choose between being comfortable as a counselor, and being effective.
When I first used VVV —> PFC, it felt awkward and weird to me. It sounded in my head like I was babying the other person, and I worried that people would take advantage of me if I expressed concern about their issues (i.e., I’d become their emotional punching bag).
But, to my surprise, this didn’t happen…
For example, in the situation above, once my client discovered that I was actually listening to him, there was no need for his anger to escalate further. By validating his feelings, I showed him respect—and could then move him quite quickly towards problem-solving.
Many people experience difficulty when first trying out VVV —> PFC. It feels foreign and unfamiliar at first—and this is normal.
Over the next two weeks, we will wrap up our discussion on VVV —> PFC.
During that time, we will explore in further detail some common obstacles that cause people to abandon the skill of VVV —> PFC prematurely, before it really has a chance to work for them.