Validate / Push for Change

Hi there!

Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.

I’m so glad you’re here.

This week, we are going to continue our discussion on: VALIDATE —> PUSH FOR CHANGE! YAY!

Last week, we discussed a simple strategy for motivating people to change.

To refresh your memory, this formula is:

Validate, Validate, Validate —> Push for Change

(i.e., VVV —> PFC)

This strategy is used by therapists to help people deescalate their reactivity, in order to soften people’s emotional defenses and prime them for change.

Today, I am going to discuss the process of applying VVV —> PFC to everyday situations, in addition to addressing some common problems that people run into when first using this skill.

Last week, we discussed what VVV —> PFC is and where this idea comes from.

Now we will follow up with the when, why, and how behind VVV —> PFC, to help clarify the best times and ways to use it:

WHEN to use VVV —> PFC:

1) When someone is in distress

2) When someone cannot calm down

3) When someone is being stubborn

4) When we want to change someone’s behavior

WHY we use VVV —> PFC:

1) To show support in our relationships

2) To help people regulate themselves

3) To reduce emotional defensiveness during tough conversations

4) To motivate people

HOW to use VVV —> PFC:

Step #1 - We normalize a person’s feelings (i.e., “That’s the worst;” “That makes total sense;” “I know this is difficult.”)

Step #2 - We show that we understand and care about their experience without trying to fix anything (i.e., “Thank you for telling me;” “I’m so sorry this is happening;” “I’m so glad you said something.”)

Step #3 - We pause—and wait for the other person to relax.  

Step #4 - We push for change after the person is regulated (i.e., “How can I support you?” “Let’s figure this out together.” “I know you’re tired, but I still need you to do this.”)

The goal of the VVV —> PFC formula is to reduce emotional resistance to change.

Changing behavior is difficult, but this formula can help people tolerate such difficulty by bringing their emotions fully onboard.

Of course, the VVV —> PFC formula doesn’t always work.

Below are some common reasons why a VVV —> PFC intervention might flop:

 1) The listener fails to validate the correct emotion (i.e., they misattune or forget to validate altogether)

2) The listener pushes for change too quickly, then gives up when they don’t get what they want (i.e., they’re too impatient or anxious)

3) The listener is unable/unwilling to offer what’s needed (i.e., they’re burnt out or ultimately apathetic)

4) The receiver is not ready to change

It certainly takes effort to sit with someone and offer them support in the form of VVV —> PFC. To the extent that we are willing to do so, it’s good for our efforts to feel worthwhile.

Therefore, next week, we will discuss in further detail the above-mentioned barriers that can hinder the utility of VVV —> PFC. We will explore these challenges and discuss how to overcome them, in hopes of making VVV —> PFC an effective and dependable tool for you moving forward.