How to Change Behavior
Hi there!
Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.
I’m so glad you’re here.
This week, we are going to discuss: HOW TO CHANGE BEHAVIOR! YAY!
Let’s be honest—getting people to change is probably one of the most difficult tasks on earth:
“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others. ”
― Jacob M. Braude
Why is this?
Well, the answer is ultimately rooted in biology. By nature, human beings are inclined to preserve energy, avoid pain, and gravitate toward simplicity. Additionally, we are neurologically wired to ‘feel first, think second,’ and science shows that people are more inclined to decide things based on emotion rather than logic—even when risk is involved.
Over the past several weeks, I have been covering topics like emotion, wisdom, and neurology—all in an effort to set the stage for today’s blog. My goal has been to illustrate how the practice of regulating emotional reactivity is inextricably linked to outcomes in behavior.
Hopefully, I have been successful in explaining how the mind actually works, in order to normalize many of the reasons why people experience frustration and hardship when trying to self-improve.
I am a psychotherapist, which means that leveraging human behavior is precisely what I do for work. So, today I am going to share with you a very simple formula for changing (and improving) human behavior that I have found to be invaluable:
Validate, validate, validate —> Push for change
This formula is what lies at the heart of all successful therapy.
I’ll explain to you how it works.
As previously mentioned, people are feelers (emotional) before they are thinkers (logical).
For example:
If I am upset and crying over a recent breakup, I am not going to be comforted by the (annoyingly premature/practical) idea that a new and better partner might eventually come my way!
I’m just going to be sad for a while.
Every good therapist (and friend) knows this—it’s the cardinal rule of being a good listener:
When someone before you is in a state of emotional distress, don’t try and solve their problems right away.
Instead, your job is to listen and VALIDATE.
Validation is simply the act of acknowledging that you understand what the other person is going through—without trying to change it.
Of course, validation is a skill that takes practice.
Most people are terrible validators because they have no experience with validation and have never had validation modeled to them.
When people fail to validate successfully in their relationships, it’s often because they are trying to avoid emotional discomfort. Falsely, they believe that addressing or acknowledging strong emotion will:
1) Make it worse (i.e., ‘If I acknowledge your sadness, it will become stronger.’)
2) Signal feelings of approval (i.e., ‘If I empathize with your sadness after a break up, that means that I liked your boyfriend.’)
But it is wrong to approach validation from a logical perspective.
Validation is an exercise in EMOTION—not reason!
Technically speaking, when people receive proper validation (again—that’s emotional acknowledgement without an attempt to fix anything!), it elicits a calming effect in the brain and allows people to regulate themselves more quickly.
In other words, when we receive validation from another person, it quiets the reactive parts of the brain, therefore allowing us to return to response mode much more quickly.
Here are some validating phrases that you can try—and remember that vocal tone is very important when validating:
“That makes so much sense.”
“It’s okay to cry if you’re sad.”
“Of course you’re upset—I can see why you feel that way!”
(Pro tip: Once you know, as therapists do, how to properly attune to people’s emotions, you will find that people’s emotions always make sense given the context of their situation. So, if the phrases above seem useless or ‘soft’ to you, then you need to switch out of ‘logical thinking’ and remind yourself that the purpose of validation is to speak to the emotional part of the brain. If you’ve ever experienced true, honest validation yourself, then you know how good it feels! The point is not to use cognitively-loaded phrases to talk people out of what they’re feeling—after all, once you know how the brain works, you’ll understand that that is a completely useless endeavor anyway. Instead, just begin to manage (and respect) the emotions in your life by acknowledging them gently with validation.)
Lastly, once (and ONLY AFTER!) a person has been properly validated, we can move into problem-solving. At this point, the brain will be truly open and receptive to our feedback—and that’s what we need in order to change human behavior!
The second half of the formula above is about pushing for change—and this is the easy part!
Pushing for change is what most of us do instinctively when we see another person in distress—it’s where we get to offer advice, share positive affirmations, say words of reassurance, or help the other person fix their issue.
In summation, the Validate —> Push for Change formula is an effective strategy for altering behavior, because it harnesses the power of both emotion AND reason in manifesting change. Next week, we will continue to discuss this formula and explore ways to apply its utility in day-to-day life.