Obstacles to Validating / Pushing for Change (cont...)
Hi there!
Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.
I’m so glad you’re here.
This week, we are going to wrap up our discussion on: Validate, Validate, Validate —> Push for Change! (YAY!)
Today, we will review some common challenges that people run into when first using VVV —> PFC.
A few weeks ago, I mentioned a list of four common reasons why VVV —> PFC can fail in being effective.
Let’s review these items in more detail now, in order to increase our odds of success when using VVV —> PFC in our relationships:
1) As the listener, we either validate the wrong emotion or fail to validate altogether.
When it comes to remembering to validate in daily conversation, practice makes perfect. The only way to get more adept at remembering to address emotion before logic is to practice as much as we can—eventually, the skill will become automatic.
After validating, it’s important to wait and see how the other person reacts to you. First we validate, then we PAUSE. If you validate the wrong emotion (i.e. misattune), the other person will correct you—this is not the end of the world. Just listen to what they say, repeat back to them what you hear, and then validate whatever they have just told you.
Sometimes, you might ask another person what they’re feeling and they won’t be able to tell you. In this case, just empathize with their situation (i.e., put yourself in their shoes) and label what you think you would feel in their situation out loud—for instance, “It sounds like that was really scary/sad/frustrating…” If they say, “Yes,” or “Duh,” or “Maybe,” then validate from there and see what happens (i.e., say, “I don’t think you’re crazy for feeling that way… that’s how anyone would have reacted.”)
2) As the listener, we push for change too quickly, then give up when we don’t get what we want.
If you are someone who gets impatient or anxious when sitting with someone in distress, then practicing VVV —> PFC is going to feel very uncomfortable at first. Part of mastering VVV —> PFC is training ourselves to sit with someone patiently, without fixing anything and sometimes without knowing what to do, while still believing that our company can help them—sometimes our presence is all that the other person needs.
It’s important to learn that a person crying in front of you is not the end of the world. Just sit there and know that they are letting off some steam and that they will be grateful later on if you don’t judge them or try to change their situation too quickly. If watching people cry makes you anxious, remember that silence is your friend and that your job is just to sit there and do nothing—don’t grab tissues for them, don’t tell them not to cry, and don’t ask them to 'say something.’ Just let them unravel in front of you and watch as they come back to baseline when they are good and ready. (That being said, if you are someone who feels absolutely compelled to do something when someone else is crying, if it’s appropriate, you can put your arm around them and gently repeat short statements, like, “I know…” or “It’s okay…” or “I’m here…”)
If you are new to this skill, the worst thing that you can do is expect someone to respond perfectly the first time that you validate them—especially if they’re not used to this kind of response from you. Don’t throw your hands up when someone says they still don’t want to talk —or if they now want to talk MORE! In order to avoid pushing for change too quickly, start by using VVV —> PFC in situations where you are not rushed and can offer people the benefit of the doubt without harboring an agenda.
3) As the listener, we are unable or unwilling to offer the other person what they need.
This is all about apathy and burnout. If you find yourself getting annoyed when ‘having’ to practice validation, the reason could be related to either one of these issues.
When it comes to burnout, if your own cup is empty, it’s going to be hard (if not impossible) to truly concern yourself with other people’s problems. If you are burned out, be honest with yourself and prioritize your problems first. Do not offer other people your time and energy if you really can’t afford to—it’s unwise and unsustainable to ‘invest’ in your relationships by drawing on an empty account. Always ‘secure your mask before assisting others,’ and read more here if burnout is something that you’re struggling with right now.
Additionally, if you really don’t care about someone else’s situation, it’s going to be hard to fake a validating response. When faced with a problem that you are unwilling to relate to, figure out why—and if the reason is that the problem doesn’t really concern you, then that’s okay. It’s important to set limits in your relationships and allow people to find other sources of support—just as long as your decision not to act is coming from a place of responsiveness rather than reactivity.
4) The receiver is not ready to change.
If you validate someone several times and they show no signs of change, it’s possible that they’re only there to vent. When using VVV —> PFC, change remains the goal, and people who don’t want to change will eventually exhaust you. So, do your best to validate when you can, but don’t beat a dead horse—if someone wants to complain, just say, “That sounds tough…” and then go silent. Offer nothing further, and they will eventually move along.
Validating other people is difficult, and you can always guess what another person needs—but, ultimately, everyone is responsible for their own well-being. Therefore, a person who wishes to discuss their problems with you also needs to be willing to meet you half-way, speak what’s on their mind, and be open to your feedback. As you practice VVV —> PFC, if people get snippy with you or are unwilling to talk, you can still reserve the right to be treated with respect by pausing the conversation and asking to circle back to things later, or by offering to connect that person with someone else who can support them instead.
Sometimes a relationship’s history can make VVV —> PFC an uncomfortable exercise to initiate. For this reason, start by using VVV —> PFC at work or with friends (i.e., in low-stakes situations) before using it in your more challenging relationships. Don’t attempt to use VVV —> PFC for the first time in a high-stakes situation and expect things to go well, because even if you do great, the other person’s response might still undermine your confidence.
In closing, I commend you for sticking out our conversation on VVV —> PFC over these past few weeks!
When it works, VVV —> PFC is an invaluable tool for improving communication and deepening the quality of our relationships.
In life, few things matter more than authentic human connection. To that that end, the skill of VVV —> PFC can broaden our ability to connect with others and spark positive change in the world, while also teaching us to become more kind and well-rounded people in our interactions with others.