Therapeutic Assumption - No. II

Hi there!

Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.

I’m so glad you’re here.

This week, we are going to continue discussing: THERAPEUTIC ASSUMPTIONS! (YAY!)

Last week, I introduced the first of five therapeutic assumptions that I use in my work as a therapist. Today, we will explore therapeutic assumption No. II:

People are never the problem; emotions are never the problem; our bodies are never the problem.

As a therapist, one of my primary roles is to help people identify problems that they can actually resolve. When helping people experience victory over their struggles, teaching them how to direct their time and attention effectively is absolutely crucial.

Unfortunately, THIS IS HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS.

After a person adopts an internal locus of control for themselves, their next question inevitably becomes:

I’m willing to change, but where do I start?

In therapy, we start by outlining a few red-flags that threaten successful change.

This brings us to our second therapeutic assumption, which is all about providing parameters for effective problem-identification and goal-setting:

People are never the problem; emotions are never the problem; our bodies are never the problem.

If these assumptions go right over your head—that’s okay. In the early days of own recovery, I really struggled with them myself. I didn’t really understand or agree with any of them. (For example, I used to wonder how my emotions were not the problem, when I was literally in therapy for depression and anxiety…)

It took me a while to come to terms with these assumptions, but my aim is to explain them as clearly as possible now, because—as frustrating as they may be—they are still critical to personal development.

Example 1: People are never the problem.

To call someone else ‘the problem’ is actually a very serious accusation. SEMANTICS MATTER. Technically speaking, in order to resolve an ‘issue,’ it must be either fixed or eliminated—therefore, we need to be careful with the language that we use when calling ourselves or other people ‘the problem.’

(Of course, this is not like saying that we should tolerate poor conduct—for instance, we can change our vicinity to a person or hold people accountable for their actions without simultaneously identifying their existence as the ultimate problem at hand.)

To say, “My kid/spouse/neighbor is the problem,” is actually a very presumptuous and contemptuous statement. Making other people ‘the problem,’ paints over their worth with a broad brush and ultimately begins to dehumanize them—which we know from research can eventually aid in the justification of violence towards others.

As a result, making any person ‘the problem’ only indicates that the accuser has an imbalanced, oversimplified perspective of life in that moment. Therefore, it’s important to practice naming specifically what it is about a person’s actions or intentions that we find offensive—and start there, rather than writing people off as a whole when we are trying to make our own circumstances better.

(Remember, therapy is all about being effective—not idealistic. In order to become better mediators, set better boundaries, and take personal responsibility for the problems that we face, we need to become more aware of how we assign blame and/or work to influence change in others.)

Example 2: Our emotions are never the problem.

Chalking up our suffering to the presence of painful emotion is like blaming ‘the rain for being wet.’ Emotions are merely the byproduct of our lived experience—they simply signal to us how we are doing at any given time. It’s never personal.

Therefore, blaming our emotions for our suffering is akin to ‘shooting the messenger’ for a report we didn’t want to hear.

To that end, emotions simply are what they are—they are never the problem, but they can help us identify the real problem, oftentimes, if we look to their cause.

As a result, the task of shifting the blame away from emotion means turning our attention instead towards the true source of our suffering, while recognizing that our feelings are usually the symptom of some larger issue.

(In previous weeks, I posted more about how emotion works—you can find that information here. Remember, in therapy, we regulate and improve our emotions by changing our thinking, addressing our physical health concerns, and improving our conduct. Emotion is not the problem, since it merely mirrors our internal and external states—therefore, when our internal and external worlds change for the better, our emotional landscape will inevitably improve, as well.)

Example 3: Our bodies are never the problem.

Unfortunately, to the extent that we choose to mope about our bodies and/or physical limitations, we will rob ourselves of happiness for the rest of our lives.
Every person has physical limitations—and even when faced with disability, injury, or genetic challenges, these limitations will always be better managed with acceptance rather than denial or detestation.

Essentially, staying alive is effortful, and maintaining one’s body takes a lot of work. So, to say that our bodies are ‘the problem’ indicates that our life source is the problem—and, generally speaking, any solution to that issue will be laced with self-loathing. (Similar to Example #1, this line of thinking could lead to a justification of violence—potentially, suicide or self-mutilation—so it’s important not to understate this point.)

After acknowledging our physical limitations, the challenge is to then begin to accept and work with our bodies, rather than against them. We do this by prioritizing our health, addressing physical pain and illness as it arises, and striving to maintain or improve our physical functioning whenever we can.

(Remember, assumptions like this are not meant to be easy—they are meant to be effective. So, if reinventing how we view our bodies and our health feels like a daunting task—well, that is what therapy is for! But the exciting reality is that, even when faced with tremendous difficulty, people are usually capable of more than they think. So, don’t let your physical limitations excuse you from doing your inner work. Author James Clear sums this up well when he says, “People get so caught up in the fact that they have limits that they rarely exert the effort required to get close to them.”)

In summation, the goal of this second therapeutic assumption is to help people successfully identify which problems are worth their time to solve. It is unlikely that a person’s existence, their body, or their emotions are going anywhere, anytime soon. So, in therapy, we instead focus on resolvable problems that will actually allow people to experience real progress, faster—since that is always the goal!

Quick note: I will be recovering from eye surgery next week, so I will not be posting next Thursday. We will resume in two weeks with a post on therapeutic assumption No. III:

There is no such thing as ‘common sense’—but everyone has a Wise Mind.

See you then!