Dangers of the Word 'Should'

Hi there!

Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement. 

I’m so glad you’re here.

Today, we will be continuing our series on the importance of SEMANTICS in mental health! YAY!

In today’s post, we will discuss the first of four words that I encourage people to abstain from as a therapist—mainly due to their deleterious effects on mental health.

As discussed last week, here are the four main words that I often encourage people to avoid:

1)       Should

2)       Try

3)       Always

4)       Never

Today, we are going to talk about the word SHOULD.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, should is a word that is “used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.”

From that definition alone, it’s easy to see how the word should tends to imply criticism and expectation—both of which can reduce mental resilience, as we’ve previously discussed.

From personal experience, being told that I ‘should’ do something feels judgey and dismissive—plus, it rarely motivates me to take action. (I often think to myself in response to that, “I should? Says who?! Screw you...”)

But, more importantly, telling a person that they ‘should’ do something often triggers shame (the fear of disconnection) because it’s condescending, and it therefore causes people to shut down—which is not what we want!

Therefore, I encourage people to abstain from using the word should when giving others feedback.

Generally speaking, should is a decisive term—and it’s best to avoid telling people what to do altogether.

So, rather than making up someone’s mind for them, explore their options with them but let them ultimately reach their own conclusions.

Additionally, another reason why I like to avoid the word should is because, as a therapist, I often hear people use it as a way of dismissing accountability around things that are important.

For example, I hear people say, “I should do… more, but I just never have the time.”

To me, that sentence indicates a lack of personal responsibility.

Using the word should doesn’t change the way things are—it just takes away the sting of personal accountability (for mood dependent behavior) when we are feeling dissatisfied with ourselves.

To that end, when people use the word should, they are often communicating deeper emotional pain.

For instance, the phrase “I should (have)…” can suggest:

Regret (“I wish I had…”)

Guilt (“I need to change…”)

Doubt (“I’m undecided...”) - or -

Fear (“I’m avoiding this...”)

Should is therefore a semantical trap, because it simultaneously softens psychological discomfort while avoiding the real problem—which reduces accountability and skillful living in the long run.

So, when it comes to replacing the word should in our daily vocabulary, I encourage people to use the follow phrases instead:

“I will…”

or

“I can…”

For example, instead of saying, “I should go to the grocery store,” say, “I will go to the grocery store.”

Or, rather than saying, “I should work out more,” say, “I can work out more.”

(Both alternatives communicate less shame than should and prevent the perpetuation of performative posturing sans personal ownership.)

In conclusion, you should stop using the word should as soon as possible.

Just kidding—did you see what I did there?!

Do whatever you want.

Just know that should is an unnecessary addition to a well-rounded vocabulary, and that it’s rarely helpful in initiating the forward motion required for personal development.

Next week, we will discuss the word Try, and explore why that, too, can be a semantical minefield.

Stay tuned!