No More 'I Can't'
Hi there!
Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.
I’m so glad you’re here.
Today, we will be continuing our series on the importance of SEMANTICS in mental health! YAY!
In this post, we will discuss another phrase that I encourage people to avoid as a therapist.
That phrase is: “I can’t.”
Like the other phrases that we have been discussing lately, I can’t is a semantical red flag.
Here’s why.
When we tell ourselves I can’t, the brain interprets that as a fact.
A hard stop.
For instance, saying to ourselves:
I can’t catch a break – or-
I can’t fix this -or-
I can’t do that…
all communicate to our mind that we are in a position of helplessness.
I can’t then becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy when we allow ourselves to believe it, regardless of the reality of the situation.
Of course, there are times when it’s true that we simply can’t do something… but, in therapy (and in life), there are lots of times when people call themselves incapable when that’s definitely not the case.
Therefore, when people use I can’t to avoid taking important action in their lives, the phrase I can’t loses its credibility as an excuse for unskillful behavior.
In therapy, here’s how we work around the phrase I can’t:
1) Following I can’t with YET…
When my client’s say, “I can’t do this,” I ask them to add, “yet…” to the end of that sentence.
Following I can’t with YET keeps people from stopping prematurely when working towards difficult goals.
I can’t often encourages people to quit and submit to short-term gratification—but adding YET to the mix forces them to stay engaged and keep their long-term goals in mind.
2) Change I can’t to I will (or I won’t)…
When people replace “I can’t” with “I will or I won’t,” they immediately become more accountable to themselves for their actions.
I can’t suggests a lack of behavioral control, but I will or I won’t suggests choice in a situation—a person making a decision.
Limitations don’t excuse us from the necessity of taking responsibility for the outcomes of our lives. Therefore, saying I will or I won’t can help you take ownership over your current circumstances—whereas I can’t will only make you forget the power of your personal agency.
3) Replace “I can’t” with something TRUE...
When clients say, “I can’t” and they’re obviously telling me a fallacy, I ask them to “Stop and tell me something that’s TRUE!”
Replacing I can’t with something factual (i.e., “I am!”) keeps people from perpetuating learned helplessness, which puts unnecessary limitations on their self-talk and extinguishes their sense of hope.
People often say “I can’t” in response to difficult or overwhelming situations, but rephrasing I can’t into affirmative statements like “I have before, so I can again…” is important for reducing self-doubt and mobilizing growth.
In summation, I encourage my clients to avoid semantical traps, not to complicate their life, but to streamline it.
The phrase I can’t has the potential to perpetuate actions of avoidance in your life—so make sure you don’t let that happen!
Next week, we will review one final phrase that keeps people stuck in therapy, before discussing some new helpful phrases that you can incorporate for greater mental resilience!