'Never' is Tricky Business
Hi there!
Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.
I’m so glad you’re here.
Today, we will be continuing our series on the importance of SEMANTICS in mental health! YAY!
In this post, we will review the final word that I encourage people to avoid in therapy—that word is NEVER.
You’ve probably heard of never before—it’s quite ubiquitous!
Never is an adverb that means, “at no time in the past or future; on no occasion.”
Here are a few reasons why never hinders people’s growth in therapy:
1) Like always, never reduces people’s sense of agency. (For example, “I will never get better!”)
Never communicates absolutes with no room for alternative possibility. Life is all about possibility, though, and placing parameters around ourselves with the word never only reinforces our current limiting beliefs.
It’s important to remember that success is often ‘opportunity disguised as hard work’—so don’t cut yourself off at the knees by saying never when you’re not even sure what’s possible... Never doesn’t belong in the arena when you’re exploring your true potential.
2) Never heightens close-minded thinking. (For example, “Good things never happen to me!”)
One of the best ways to shut down curiosity is to use the word never—after all, if we’re certain of something, then there’s no need for questions! Curiosity, however, is a major indicator of mental health, and when we become too unyielding mentally, it gets harder to remain optimistic or driven in the face of difficulty.
In other words, just because you’ve never seen, done, or heard of something, doesn’t mean that that thing will never happen to you in the future. And, when it comes to testing our limits and developing as individuals, it’s better to wrestle with uncertainty over and over than it is to sacrifice our future on the alter of pessimism.
3) Never is a self-fulfilling prophesy… except when it’s not.
(For example, “My boss will never promote me!” vs. “I will never binge again!”)
It’s generally true that we find what we search for in life, because all the extrinsic stuff escapes our notice. So, to say that something will never happen… well, you might be right!
However, when people use the word never too liberally, it can also backfire and have the opposite effect of successful manifestation. For example, I’ve talked before about the importance of keeping your commitments—and making promises using the word never is akin to committing yourself to something for the rest of your life.
It’s therefore not uncommon for people to overcommit with their use of the word never. It’s okay to make strong commitments—just know that the frustration and disillusionment that comes from breaking your promises (to others or to yourself!) only makes it harder to regain trust and get back on track if/when you fail.
4) Never hinders clear communication. (For example, “I have never been so stressed!”)
Using the word never in causal speech works similar to painting with a very broad brush. It misses so much opportunity for nuance and specificity that it cheapens our message and permits us to make sweeping statements that we can’t truly justify.
Using the word never (when thoughtlessly said) can therefore wear on a person’s social credibility over time. Of course, we can sometimes retract what we say at a later date—but it’s still best to speak with intentionality the first time around, rather than risking the overall integrity of our word with poor semantics.
In summation, the words that we use can have a profound impact on how we think, feel, and act in life.
When we pay close attention to our word choice, we can access more self-awareness, deeper emotional resolve, and greater mental clarity.
All words exist for a reason—and there are times when using words like never, for instance, still makes sense (i.e., “I have never done that before!”).
Just be careful to avoid absolutes in your speech when you lack the conviction or evidence to support what you are actually saying.
Next week, we will begin to discuss some of the problematic phrases that I run into as a therapist, and how we address those statements in therapy to help enhance personal development.