Watch Out for 'Always'

Hi there!

Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.

I’m so glad you’re here.

Today, we will be continuing our series on the importance of SEMANTICS in mental health! YAY!

In this post, we will be discussing the third word that I encourage people to avoid in therapy—that word is ALWAYS.

Always is an adverb that means, “at all times; on all occasions.”

Here are the four reasons why I like to avoid the word always:

1) Always reduces people’s sense of agency.

Success in self-improvement hinders a lot on a person’s perceived sense of agency (i.e., their internal locus of control). The word always extinguishes people’s sense of agency when it reinforces the belief that, “This is how life always is, always has been, and always will be!”

In other words, always can perpetuate a mindset that makes change seem impossible.

Always is therefore a cut-and-dry, one-size-fits-all type of word that can hinder progress because it’s not about acceptance, it’s about conviction. (Acceptance allows for objectivity, reflection, and change. Always justifies quitting through closed-minded thinking.)

2) Always is like quick-sand for negative thinkers.

In therapy, it’s common for people to use the word always in a manner that reinforces negative emotion, because always perpetuates all-or-nothing (extreme) thinking.

One of the cardinal features of strong, negative emotion is that it feels in the moment like it will go on forever. Sweeping, negative statements using the word always (i.e., “Bad things always happen to me!”), perpetuate the kind of emotional despair that keeps people stuck, because always leaves no room for contrary argument—it just turns strong feelings into fact, which drives more negative emotion.

(When clients get stuck in all-or-nothing thinking, I just ask them, “Can you think of a time when you felt different?”…and they always—wink, wink!—can.)

3) Always becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Whenever somebody tells me that something is always one way (especially when they are complaining about another person!), I automatically know that they are leaving out important information.

Unless we are talking about Physics (for example, the scientific Laws of gravity, energy, etc.)—it serves well to remember that the world is complicated, people adjust, and that things are constantly changing.

It is therefore hard to find a person or situation that is truly always going to be one particular way and will never change.

People limit their own growth potential once they falsely assert that something is always a certain way (i.e., “My partner always ignores me!”).

In life, we get what we optimize for—and we will inevitably miss out on new insights or outcomes if we have too many limiting, preordained scripts in our heads about how the world always operates.

4) Always is an easy grab.

People like to take shortcuts, and many people use the word always inaccurately—as a substitute for words like recently, historically, or currently—because always covers a lot of semantical ground quite quickly.

Thus, always allows for lazy communication, because it forfeits verbal nuance and avoids the need for consideration of alternatives through thoughtful word choice.

As we’ve discussed over the past several weeks, semantics matter. What we think and say shapes our lived experience—and vague language begets vague results.

Always might add some dramatic flair to daily conversation, but it also sacrifices specificity for convenience—and that can be a problem when we are aiming for personal development. (For example, if someone thinks they are always relapsing but has only used three times in the past three months, that word choice is absolutely going to hinder their sense of progress—and probably reduce the overall efficacy of their recovery efforts.)

In summation, it’s prudent to heed the potentially negative effects of the word always.

Sloppy communication leads to sloppy outcomes, so use always sparingly—or not at all—to successfully avoid its semantical trappings.

Next week, we will explore some challenges around the word NEVER, and wrap up our recent discussion on the best words to avoid for better mental health.