Fixing 'I Don't Know (What to Do)'

Hi there!

Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.

I’m so glad you’re here.

Today, we will be continuing our series on the importance of SEMANTICS in mental health! YAY!

In this post, we will begin to review several phrases that I encourage people to avoid in therapy.

The phrase that we will be discussing today is: “I don’t know -or- I don’t know what to do.”

…Henceforth written as, “I don’t know (what to do).”

As previously stated in recent weeks, there are times when saying something like, “I don’t know (what to do)” is innocuous and appropriate in daily conversation.

For instance, saying, “I don’t know Spanish,” or, “I don’t know what to do next—can you help me?” makes sense.

However, people also often use the phrase “I don’t know (what to do)” as a prelude to quitting in response to difficulty—which is why we are talking about it today.

Quitting happens for many reasons, but quitting prematurely is often a problem for people in therapy (and in life!), because it results in people abandoning their goals whenever things get challenging.

As a therapist, I hear people use the phrase “I don’t know (what to do)” all the time.

Here are a few common scenarios where it comes up frequently:

· When I ask people what they want in life, they’ll say, “I don’t know…” and then wait for the next question.

· When I ask people what would make them feel better, they’ll say, “I don’t know…” but then repeat back to me what’s making them miserable.

· When I ask people what’s wrong, they’ll say, “I don’t know (what to do)!…” even when that’s not usually the case.

Ultimately, using the phrase, “I don’t know (what to do)” prevents people from taking action, which is why it’s important to call it out when it’s being overused.

Especially in the face of unwanted or unexpected change, not knowing is not usually helpful.

Most of us DETEST unwanted change and the experience of having to exert effort on something that we didn’t anticipate or ask for—which is a natural instinct designed to conserve energy, but which also rewards withdrawal in response to difficulty.  

One reason why the phrase, “I don’t know (what to do)” becomes so problematic for people is because it reinforces our instinct to withdraw—it encourages avoidance in the absence of palatable options in the moment.

Furthermore, “I don’t know (what to do)” can be a problematic phrase because it reinforces learned helplessness.

Not knowing communicates to the mind that we are trapped, which then becomes an appealing justification for stopping when we’re stuck.

When ignorance is our excuse, we’re faster to assign blame and relinquish personal responsibility—because it’s easier to ignore our own contribution to poor results when we ‘didn’t know better’ or ‘couldn’t figure it out.’

So, here’s what I tell my clients:

Just because you don’t know (how to do) something, doesn’t mean you don’t still have to do it.

- AND -

“I don’t know (what to do)” is not a sufficient reason for avoiding hard things.

(For example, in therapy, not knowing what we need in order to calm down—that’s not enough, and it’s our responsibility to figure that out. Similarly, not knowing what to do when we run into an unexpected obstacle at work, in recovery, or in our relationships—that does not mean that we get to throw up our hands and stop being skillful.)

Thankfully, the therapeutic solution to not knowing is quite simple—rather than quitting when we hit a roadblock, we do the opposite of what feels easy and we stay engaged.

The solution to “I don’t know (what to do)” is to get better at problem-solving—we educate ourselves, ask for help, or find solutions to daily issues—instead of constantly quitting. We take proactive control of our lives on purpose, rather than capitulating, whenever we find ourselves at a temporary impasse.

In therapy, people learn to both willingly and more masterfully resolve the problems that are currently facing.

Therapy teaches people how to become more efficient problem-solvers, so that they can respond more skillfully to stress and shorten the amount of time that they waste feeling lost or helpless before making change happen.

Avoiding the phrase “I don’t know (what to do)” can be helpful because it keeps the mind in problem-solving mode—and, in the absence of an excuse to retreat, we are more likely to step up to the plate and take our best swing at whatever life throws at us.

The next time that you find yourself saying the words, “I don’t know (what to do),” consider reframing that into something more actionable. For example:

• “I have a problem, and I need to fix it... What are my options?”

• “I feel stuck—but am I really stuck? What would I tell someone else (to do) who was in my situation? Can I take my own advice?”

• “This is really overwhelming and I am not sure how to proceed. Perhaps I should take a break and come back later, or ask for help instead of staying stuck like this.” 

• “I am being challenged right now, but I can do hard things. I will overcome this problem/feeling/issue by staying committed to my goals and doing whatever is required for me to succeed.”
   

In summation, it’s wise to avoid the phrase “I don’t know (what to do)” whenever you find yourself slipping into dark or hopeless thinking.

Just because you feel helpless right now, doesn’t mean you are—and just because you can’t identify a way forward in the moment, doesn’t mean there isn’t one.

Next week, we will review another common phrase that hinders people’s personal development in therapy, the phrase “I’m stupid.”

Take care, and see you then!