Understanding Reaction vs. Response
Hi there!
Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.
I’m so glad you’re here.
This week, we are going to discuss: REACTION VS. RESPONSE! YAY!
To begin, I’d like to share a quote with you by the late psychologist, Victor Frankel. It summarizes today’s topic well:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”
In order to become better emotional regulators, we must first learn how to respond to stress.
As a therapist, when I am teaching my clients how to regulate their emotions so that they can control themselves, I start by explaining to them the difference between reaction and response:
REACTION:
A reaction is involuntary. It is something that is emotionally-based and out of our control.
Here’s an example: If I were to sneak up behind you and suddenly shout into your ear, you would probably jump and feel yourself entering into ‘fight, flight, freeze’ mode. This would be a reaction.
Reactions are instantaneous and happen instinctively, before we have time to think anything through. On their own, reactions are not a bad thing—and, as you can imagine, they are extremely important for our survival.
However, reactions can become problematic when they become the sole determinants of our day-to-day behavior. As we have discussed in recent weeks, emotionally-based decision-making gets people into all sorts of trouble.
BUT… Because reactions are involuntary and generally unavoidable, it is illogical to ask people to simply stop having them. It would be unwise to ask people to prevent themselves from experiencing instinctual feelings or reactions—because, to a certain extent, these things are inevitable.
Therefore, in therapy, I focus less on teaching people how to override their reactions, and focus more on teaching them how to engage skillfully after a reaction occurs. This is where response comes in…
RESPONSE:
A response is what comes after a reaction.
In alluding to the quote above, the opportunity for response starts in the ‘space’ following stimulus and reaction, and therefore becomes the preceding determinant of voluntary behavior. After any reaction, there is an opportunity to mindfully engage—this is where we get the option to choose our response.
Here’s the sequence laid out visually:
Stimulus —> Reaction —> Response —> Behavior
People who struggle to regulate themselves often misconstrue reaction and response—which usually leads to a lack of accountability and/or insight around how to make things better (i.e. “He made me do it!” or “When I get angry, anything goes…”).
Learning how to regulate our emotions means that we get clear on what is within our control to change—in other words, we learn how to leverage the window of response in our favor.
So…
If reactionary behavior looks like:
Trigger —> Emotion —> Action
Then responsive (and responsible) behavior looks like:
Trigger —> Emotion —> Awareness + Thinking + Choice (Wisdom) —> Action
The difference between reaction and response is akin to ‘shooting from the hip’ vs. aiming at a target.
When we react, our behavior is urgent, impulsive, and short-sighted. When we respond, we slow down long enough to weigh all of our options before proceeding. People who are skilled at emotional regulation simply understand that they don’t have to react to everything that stresses them out. They instead know how to slow down, think critically, and respond to stimuli from a grounded headspace.
(For context, the action of responding can take many forms—it might look like problem-solving, self-soothing, and/or asking for help. Either way, the idea behind skillful responsiveness is to engage in behavior that will be effective long-term, without causing undo harm.)
In summation, as Frankel points out, the practice of learning to respond rather than react helps us generate enough self-restraint and self-awareness to experience “growth and freedom.” Therefore, understanding (and mastering) the skill of conscious responsiveness serves an important role in the procurement of a fulfilling life.
Next week, we will wrap up our discussion on emotional intelligence and emotion regulation for now, and will segue into discussing strategies for using logic (i.e. changing the way that we think) to improve personal development.
Stick around!