Becoming More Self-Compassionate
Hi there!
Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss all things mental health and self-improvement.
I’m so glad you’re here.
Today’s post is the last of a three-part series and will follow-up on last week’s discussion: DISCOVERING THE SKILL OF SELF-COMPASSION!
As we have discussed, it is common for people to assume that replacing critical self-talk with compassionate self-talk (i.e., treating themselves kindly rather than harshly during moments of difficulty) will, in some way, result in a detrimental outcome. But we know from research that self-compassion is actually a very effective tool for increasing things like self-acceptance, motivation, mental health, and emotional resilience.
Nevertheless, simply understanding the utility of self-compassion doesn’t mean much unless we know how to put our knowledge into action. Just like any skill, self-compassion is something that can be taught and practiced. (If you’re not sure whether you might benefit from becoming more self-compassionate, take this quiz online to see how self-compassionate you already are.)
There are three steps to treating ourselves with compassion. They are as follows:
1) Mindfulness
2) Common Humanity
3) Loving Kindness
Let’s looks at these steps more closely—and walk through an example of being compassionate with ourselves in a situation where someone cancels on us for an exciting date!
Step one is Mindfulness. Notice your experience and name it without judgment or comparison. Identify what is bothering you, and then label it by sticking to the facts. Say, OUT LOUD: “Alex just called and cancelled our plans for tonight. I am feeling sad and disappointed.”
Step two is Common Humanity. Remind yourself that you are not alone. (Often, when we are hurting, we forget that help exists or that our pain is common and valid.) Rather than being hard on yourself, say, OUT LOUD: “My sadness makes sense. Disappointment is a normal response to this kind of situation. I am not alone.”
Step three is Loving Kindness. It’s my personal favorite. :)
In this step, treat yourself like you would treat a good friend. Ask yourself: What words of reassurance could I really stand to hear right now? What do I need? Remember—a good friend would undoubtedly approach your struggle with patience and understanding. So, be that friend to yourself and accept your own support. Say, OUT LOUD: “It’s okay that you’re upset. Everything is going to be alright. I’m here for you.”
(Also, some people prefer to practice Loving Kindness in the form of an uplifting mantra. For example: “May I be kind to myself”… “May I begin to accept myself as I am”… “May I be happy, strong, and feel like I belong.” You can try this as well.)
Before we wrap up, a few additional notes about practicing self-compassion that, in my experience, can make or break the skill:
1) Self-compassion takes time to develop—it takes a lot of practice. Being self-compassionate requires retraining your mind to be kind rather than critical. In order to cultivate that kind of habit, you will need to get your reps in.
2) Tone matters. You’re not going to fool anyone (especially not yourself) if you practice self-compassion with a snarky or impatient tone. If you wouldn’t do it with someone else—don’t do it with yourself. Period.
3) Bodywork is an important component of self-compassion practice as well. Do your best to incorporate a tender touch (i.e., a hand on your heart, holding yourself gently, etc.) while working the 3 steps—it makes a big difference.
In summation: Self-compassion can benefit anyone who struggles with self-criticism. Feel free to try it for yourself, and see if you find it helpful!
(This article is not comprehensive—further exposure will likely be required for skill retention. The best resource that I’ve found for exploring the skill of self-compassion in further detail is the Mindful Self-compassion Workbook, by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer. Also, please keep in mind that the practice of self-compassion can, at first, elicit emotional pain—so, please take care of yourself and/or work with a coach, mentor, or therapist when first starting out, if needed.)