Applying the Pygmalion Effect
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Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.
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Today, we will wrap up last week’s discussion on THE PYGMALION EFFECT! YAY!
To recap, the Pygmalion Effect is a phenomenon that emphasizes how our treatment of others influences their actions and outcomes. Essentially, it’s about leveraging the power of feedback (i.e., treating someone like the type of person that we want them to become) in order to improve our relationships with other people.
A quick note: Sometimes when I present on the Pygmalion Effect, people get concerned that I am trying to share a life hack for manipulating others. I am not a fan of cutting corners or cheating in order to gain success, and discussing the Pygmalion Effect is no exception to that standard.
I’ve chosen to discuss the Pygmalion phenomenon here because it exists whether we are aware of it or not, so it’s better to know about it and harness its power for good, rather than skipping this conversation altogether for fear of somebody learning about it and misusing it for personal gain. (In truth, if deceiving others is your M.O., you probably won’t need the Pygmalion Effect to be successful.)
Please also keep in mind that giving other people feedback does not absolve them of accountability for their own conduct. People are ultimately responsible for themselves, and utilizing the Pygmalion Effect is not about forcing people’s hand or telling them who to be—instead, it’s about understanding the power of our influence on others, and, ideally, using that power judiciously and skillfully for everyone’s benefit.
In today’s post, I will illustrate a few examples of how the Pygmalion Effect can be used effectively in relationships.
We will discuss applying the Pygmalion Effect around both children and adults, and in difficult situations:
1) The Pygmalion Effect and children.
Generally speaking, all kids are smart, creative, and curious—but when you specifically tell a child that they are smart, creative, and curious, depending on the type of relationship that you have with them, they will likely hear you and take your message to heart. It is very common for children to remember words of affirmation from adults, as children tend to embody whatever characteristics the adults in their lives (either knowingly or unknowingly) reinforce in them over time.
Therefore, for a parent to tell their child what’s good—rather than bad—about them (i.e., “You are so creative; You are considerate; You are so loving with animals; You are very strong…”), is a valuable investment in that child’s psychological development.
Personalized feedback strengthens the child’s understanding of self—not through lies, of course, but through honest observation—and helps solidify that child’s sense of self-worth.
In this case, the Pygmalion Effect is not used to inflate the child’s ego—instead, it affords them the opportunity to stress-test their identity against their actions and build self-awareness. (Keep in mind that we all need outside validation and feedback to make sense of the world, and if children do not get this type of reassurance from their caregivers, they will inevitably go out and search for it in other, often less ideal, places.)
2) The Pygmalion Effect and adults.
Just like children, adults also desire and require lots of feedback—
Can you think of a time recently when you were startled by something? Do you remember how, after you steadied yourself, you looked around to see if other people had a similar reaction to what just happened?
Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly assessing the state of our inner and outer worlds through our interactions with other people. Human beings build self-awareness through community, so input from other people is essential to knowing who we are and what we have to offer. (We also need to update this information all the time, in order to better connect and improve reciprocity in our relationships.)
To that end, the Pygmalion Effect can be extremely helpful for fostering deeper interpersonal relationships—people need feedback, so they thrive when they have access to it in ample quantity and quality.
Therefore, affirming what you like in someone will serve to reinforce that particular attribute in them when they are around you.
For example, telling a coworker that they are kind and funny (which you would only do if you mean it genuinely and are complimenting them based off real observation), makes it more likely that they will become even more kind and playful around you in the future. This type of feedback uses the Pygmalion Effect to reinforce desired behavior, plus it also shows people that you have taken the time to notice them as an individual, which will make you more likable, as well.
Another way to apply the Pygmalion Effect to deepen your relationships is to use terms of endearments with your spouse—for example, calling your partner Honey, Darling, or Sweetheart. Doing this not only makes you more approachable, but it also has the benefit of reinforcing loving behaviors from your partner by helping shape their manner of relating to you out loud.
(Again, keep in mind that if you use the Pygmalion Effect to give people feedback that is not genuine, your efforts will backfire. Seeing potential in people and sharing that insight is not the same thing as making up falsehoods or telling people what to think. This is about improving relational connection by giving others the gift of honest and thoughtful feedback—it’s not about muddying the waters of relationship with conditional or reckless opinions.)
3) The Pygmalion Effect and behavior change.
Lastly, you can apply the Pygmalion Effect to nurture growth in others, by using a carrot-rather-than-stick approach to behavioral change. In other words: if you want to change the outcomes you’re getting from others, start by changing the inputs you’re contributing to your interactions with them.
I use this version of the Pygmalion Effect all the time as a therapist—I set the bar high for my clients and generally ‘assume’ that they are someone who wants to be liked/loved/needed/helpful/successful/generous/respected, etc…
Of course, I don’t tell my clients who to be or what to want, I just trust them when they tell me that they want to feel better—and I treat them accordingly.
Remember, because of the Pygmalion Effect, when you treat someone like they are a person of integrity, they will often prove you right. Sometimes, in order to correct unwanted behavior, people just need to be reminded of what they can do well, rather than reminding them of everything they’re doing wrong. Instead of admonishing, judging, or insulting my clients when they are not responding to the things that I ask them to do, I simply use the Pygmalion Effect to nudge them forward, by reinforcing higher standards and then waiting for them to respond.
In summation, the Pygmalion Effect can offer the reward of better interactions with other people through the use of strategic feedback.
We talked a few weeks ago about the dangers of placing expectations on others—but the Pygmalion Effect is not about harboring expectations. Rather, it’s about nurturing the latent potential in our relationships from a place of hope (i.e., my actions!).
Just like any tool that we use to improve connection (whether that’s complimenting others, giving gifts, expressing gratitude, etc.), the Pygmalion Effect reminds us that even small actions on our part can have a profound impact on how people respond to us.
If this concept interests you, try applying the Pygmalion Effect in your own life and see what happens.
Notice how people respond when you set the bar high for the both of you—and enjoy the reward of witnessing people’s natural desire to heal and grow.