The Problem with Willpower

Hi there!

Welcome back to the MoodiNews. Every Thursday, we discuss a variety of matters related to mental health and self-improvement.

I’m so glad you’re here.

Today, we will be discussing: WILLPOWER! YAY!

In a previous post, I discussed willfulness (i.e., obstinance or stubbornness) and how defiance against change is a common phenomenon in therapy.

Whenever willfulness rears its head in therapy, I teach my clients a skill called ‘willful to willing,’ to help them practice opening up more successfully in response to change.  

However, I sometimes wonder if the ‘willful to willing’ conversation really hits home for most people, because ‘willfulness’ is not a common concern that most people recognize out in the real world.

In fact, most people don’t even know what willfulness is until I teach them about it—because ‘willfulness’ is not a very ubiquitous term.

Enter… today’s discussion about WILLPOWER!

Willpower is defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “the ability to control one's own actions, emotions, or urges” -or- “strong determination that allows one to do something difficult.”

In therapy, it’s important to discuss the concept of willpower in addition to willfulness, because learning how to address willpower can help us remember how to overcome willfulness, too.

To clarify, willpower is often seen by many people as the aggressive older cousin to motivation.

If motivation were a ‘carrot,’ for instance, willpower would be the ‘stick.’

And, typically, when people take the path of least resistance in life, they often cite a lack of willpower as the reason for their failures.

They think: “If only I was strong enough, I would get what I needed to done, and, when I don’t, it’s because I’m soft and I don’t have enough willpower!”

But many people are surprised to find that I actually discourage my clients from depending too much on willpower in therapy.

Why?

Because willpower is a finite resource—and we only have so much of it.

In fact, many people already come into therapy with low reserves of willpower to begin with, because they are often using so much of it in order to simply survive.

They are fighting themselves every step of the way, so adding additional strain on top of that is akin to over-stressing a muscle group that’s already being over-taxed.

But, you might be asking yourself—If willpower is not the answer to getting ourselves to engage with change, then what is?

The answer—again—is our old friend, willingness!

When it comes to the ‘battle of wills,’ willingness is my preferred approach to embracing change.

That’s because, unlike willpower or willfulness, willingness is an infinitely renewable resource.

When life is hammering us from all angles, practicing willingness helps remove (the very exhausting) fight with self that often results from exercising our willpower.

That’s because willingness helps reduce the power struggle and judgment that often accompanies the old-school ‘power of will’ approach, by opening our minds more readily to change through the angle of acceptance.

The problem with willpower is that it often leads to people white knuckling their way through life and to beating themselves up before finally enforcing change.

Willingness, on the other hand, allows us to skip all that suffering and just get to the end result (change) quicker and with less resistance.

In summation, relying on willingness over willpower is a quick and effective way to get more done with greater ease as we move through life.

There’s no point in expending unnecessary energy on things when we don’t have to—and it takes a lot more energy to force things upon ourselves than it does to ride alongside life with a willing attitude.

The idea here is to make willingness a lifestyle, instead of always relying on motivation or willpower to get things done.

So, the next time that you are faced with a challenging decision or a difficult task, don’t just immediately assume that you need to force yourself to do it.

Instead, approach it from a place of willingness (i.e., “I will do what is required…”) in order to address the problem with less resistance.

It’s a simple reframe, but it makes a big difference!

Life will always force us to do things that we dislike, but staying on track often comes down to how willing we are to pivot and stay flexible in the moment.

Reserve your willpower for when you truly need it—and, the rest of the time, practice willingness instead!

Image credit: Michelle Barillaro